NEWS: Raising children genderless?

by **LordRemington** Wed May 25, 2011 10:25 pm

When many couples have a baby, they send out an email to family and friends that fills them in on the key details: name, gender, birth weight, that sort of thing. (You know the drill: "Both Mom and little Ethan are doing great!")

But the email sent recently by Kathy Witterick and David Stocker of Toronto, Canada to announce the birth of their baby, Storm, was missing one important piece of information. "We've decided not to share Storm's sex for now--a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm's lifetime (a more progressive place? ...)," it said.

That's right. They're not saying whether Storm is a boy or a girl.

There's nothing ambiguous about the baby's genitals. But as Stocker puts it: "If you really want to get to know someone, you don't ask what's between their legs." So only the parents, their two other children (both boys), a close friend, and the two midwives who helped deliver the now 4-month-old baby know its gender. Even the grandparents have been left in the dark.

Stocker and Witterick say the decision gives Storm the freedom to choose who he or she wants to be. "What we noticed is that parents make so many choices for their children. It's obnoxious," adds Stocker, a teacher at an alternative school.

They say that kids receive messages from society that encourage them to fit into existing boxes, including with regard to gender. "We thought that if we delayed sharing that information, in this case hopefully, we might knock off a couple million of those messages by the time that Storm decides Storm would like to share," says Witterick.

"In fact, in not telling the gender of my precious baby, I am saying to the world, 'Please can you just let Storm discover for him/herself what s (he) wants to be?!." she wrote in an email.

How did Stocker and Witterick decide to keep Storm's gender under wraps? During Witterick's pregnancy, her son Jazz was having "intense" experiences with his own gender. "I was feeling like I needed some good parenting skills to support him through that," Witterick said.

Stocker came across a book from 1978, titled X: A Fabulous Child's Story by Lois Gould. X is raised as neither a boy or girl, and grows up to be a happy and well-adjusted child.

"It became so compelling it was almost like, How could we not?" Witterick said.

The couple's other two children, Jazz and Kio, haven't escaped their parents' unconventional approach to parenting. Though they're only 5 and 2, they're allowed to pick out their own clothes in the boys and girls sections of stores and decide whether to cut their hair or let it grow.

Both boys are "unschooled," a version of homeschooling, which promotes putting a child's curiosity at the center of his or her education. As Witterick puts it, it's "not something that happens by rote from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. weekdays in a building with a group of same-age people, planned, implemented and assessed by someone else."

Because Jazz and Kio wear pink and have long hair, they're frequently assumed to be girls, according to Stocker. He said he and Witterick don't correct people--they leave it to the kids to do it if they want to.

But Stocker and Witterick's choices haven't always made life easy for their kids. Though Jazz likes dressing as a girl, he doesn't seem to want to be mistaken for one. He recently asked his mother to let the leaders of a nature center know that he's a boy. And he chose not to attend a conventional school because of the questions about his gender. Asked whether that upsets him, Jazz nodded.

As for his mother, she's not giving up the crusade against the tyranny of assigned gender roles. "Everyone keeps asking us, 'When will this end?'" she said. "And we always turn the question back. Yeah, when will this end? When will we live in a world where people can make choices to be whoever they are?"

(Baby Storm: Steve Russell/The Toronto Star)
http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110524/ts_yblog_thelookout/parents-keep-childs-gender-under-wraps

Okay now I understand letting your children be free and whatnot, but come on. Choose whatever clothes they want without restriction to gender?

They think they are making life free for their children, but all they are doing is making life far more confusing for them. The son dresses like a girl, but doesn't want to be mistaken for one. What's wrong with them?

These kids are going to grow up very very confused. With only their parents strange outlook and no external source of social development e.g public school, these kids are probably going to go through major identity crises when they are older.

Jusy my view, but I feel they are going to severely mess up their kids.

by **LoD** Wed May 25, 2011 10:31 pm

Not to mention Jazz and Storm are strange names for children. :O

by **Red-Indigo** Thu May 26, 2011 12:28 am

Yes they are Lod Razz

Although i went to school with a boy named silver...

Hmm, this is an interesting article. In a perfect world this would 100% work, because as a society we do decide that girls like pink and boys like blue. We stamp it into them from the time they are born (western culture at least) we give boys cars to play with and girls little dolls and thats how it 'supposed' to be. So I understand where the parents are coming from in regards to letting their kids have a choice.

Where I think this is wrong is they aren't allowing their impressionable young childeren to choose if they want to follow their parents belief/idealisim or not, its flawed from the outset.

They are 'home schooled' not because they want to be, but because the parents chose them to be. If they go to normal schools they are bullied for the way they are, somthing the parents have denied them the opportunity to deal with, which is obviously an important life skill.

We are shaped by those around us and how we react to that is part of who we are. To me, these parents seem to be following who they want to be and who they want to be seen as rather than realising the kids should have a choice to be normal too. Without that they are going to have some sort of issue later in life.

(Oh and I saw the movie interpretation of that X where they portrayed the life of the kid as very unadjusted, not sure how true that was though)

by **Arkanay** Thu May 26, 2011 12:46 am

I believe it's important that family and teachers guide and protect children, explain to them how the world works and what to do and not to do.

When the person who was guided starts reaching maturity, then that individual starts becoming free to do as he/she wants, minding limitations, of course, but those decisions will be heavily based in that person´s childhood.

With this, I'm aiming at the idea that there should be a balance between parents guiding the child and leaving some space for the child's preferences too, in order to accommodate a proper life style. For example, if a boy wants to play with a doll, I don't see much trouble in giving him one. But if the boy wants to wear a bikini when he's about to go to the beach, I believe it's important to explain the purpose of the bikini and potential scenarios that that situation might bring. It's part of the parents' responsibility.
But when the person in cause starts becoming an adult, then the responsibility shifts. There can still be guidance, but the situation is much different.

by **Vektrix** Thu May 26, 2011 1:19 am

Seems like a sure fire way to screw your children up, if you ask me.

by **Andeavor** Thu May 26, 2011 1:44 am

I used to have a classmate named Fleur, who had a brother and sister called Ciel and Soleil. none

What Kathy and David are doing here is psychologically more damaging than forcing gender roles upon their children. Children need to learn about the differences and similarities between boys and girls. And without that basic knowledge they won't be able to make an acute decision on who and what they want to be when they're older.

I understand their sentiment but society isn't even ready for same-sex parents let alone genderless roles, so until we've settled that, let the children grow up knowing what they are and let them make their own decisions once they matured.

by **Red-Indigo** Thu May 26, 2011 2:45 am

Exactly, they are trying to live in a world/society that doesnt yet exist and they aren't giving their children the choice about it either. People are still funky about same sex marriage and adoption, even more so about different roles of gender. I think its niave to give your children a life that partially ignores those issues.

Like Ark said, you should guide children and show them the scenarios and what's appropriate. It does make me wonder how good these children will be at decision making, considering they won't have learnt to think about other peoples reactions or how any thing externally affects that decision.

Also, like Andeavor says, they need to learn the differences between gender as part of their development and Identity formation, without it they will run into allsorts of problems I don't doubt.

by **OneDeadSlime** Thu May 26, 2011 2:49 am

I don't agree that clothes define one's gender or sexuality. If a boy wants to wear a bikini in a beach, be my guest.

I don't see a reason for the parents not revealing their gender of course. By keeping it secret what are they hoping to accomplish? Seems irrelevant to what they're trying to combat.

by **Arkanay** Thu May 26, 2011 3:36 am

OneDeadSlime wrote:I don't agree that clothes define one's gender or sexuality.

That's true. There are many men who enjoy wearing dresses, yet are only interested in having sex with women. There are situations the other way around as well and very likely many more different ones in between.

Still, I believe it's part of being a parent to explain the child how the world works, especially how others will react to you. I'm not saying it's the outside that matters, but the outside plays a huge role in shaping the individual in many ways. I think parents should do their best to educate children and attempt to maintain them as regular as possible. (For example, don't allow a 2 year old to go out wearing lipstick and make up) Only after that person has reached a certain age, then I believe they can do what they want, but not while they're under the family's wing.

That's merely my opinion, of course.

by **LordRemington** Thu May 26, 2011 7:06 am

OneDeadSlime wrote:I don't agree that clothes define one's gender or sexuality. If a boy wants to wear a bikini in a beach, be my guest.

I don't see a reason for the parents not revealing their gender of course. By keeping it secret what are they hoping to accomplish? Seems irrelevant to what they're trying to combat.

Its not the boy's sexuality that I see as an issue. If he grows up and wants to wear a bikini, then thats fine and entirely his choice. Its that from reading this article, in particular, the son is confused as to why he is being mistaken for a girl by everyone because of how he is. They should have at least made the distinguishment to the children about the clothing, then let decide what to wear. It seems like the parents just let them into a store and buy anything that seemed interesting to them.

I understand be yourself, but at age 5, he'd also want to fit in with other kids, but the way the parents have raised the children have made that very very difficult. If he grows up and wants to wear different clothes then thats alright, but at his age, all he understands is what his parents teach him, and because they haven't taught him the basic differences between males and females, he doesn't even have a baseline to make a choice about how he'd want to dress in future or understand the consequences and challenges he may face in future (not to deter him from dressing that way, but to prepare him).

@Andy, I agree. I do understand that the parents at heart want their children to grow up with open minds, but they are not going about it in the right way. If you want someone to grow up with an open mind, you teach them all that you can and allow them to choose what path they wish to take without judgement. These parents however have taught their children taught their children very little in way of gender, thus they don't even know the paths they could take in the first place.

by **Mudo** Thu May 26, 2011 9:43 am

I can't quite decide whether I find this amusing or just plain awful.

That was a lie. I find this terrible in pretty much every way. I can understand allowing the kid to choose his own sexuality, that's a personal choice and lifestyle, but letting him decide... his gender? That hinges (and by hinges I mean it is the definition of) absurdity. Why didn't they just let him decide what species he belongs to, or what planet he lives on while they're at it?

This just isn't logical to me at all. In high doses, everything can be bad it seems, even freedom and choices, as it would appear.

Anyway, this is unrelated, but I just wanted to say hello. Probably won't really be on Euro for a while after this post, busy as always, but in a couple of weeks, I'll definetly be dropping in at least a couple times. Hoping to catch up with some of my good old friends, see you around.