Just a short 'help' topic

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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Arkanay on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:30 am

That could actually be cool Trickatel.

Like his experience while inside a tank. Surrounded by 4 metal walls most of the time, in a mobile prison claiming enemy lives and fearing for his own.

Then some diary with some entries, some interesting conversations between the crew, etc.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Aletrius on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:31 am

Trickatel wrote:
Thomas1134 wrote:You are going to have to make a decision. WW1 or WW2?

You have to take risks. Indecisiveness can be lethal.

WW1. Since it was more infantry based. It would be hard writing about people in bombers/tanks and whatnot.

Okay, good.

Does the father die or not?
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Trick on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:35 am

Thomas1134 wrote:
Trickatel wrote:
Thomas1134 wrote:You are going to have to make a decision. WW1 or WW2?

You have to take risks. Indecisiveness can be lethal.

WW1. Since it was more infantry based. It would be hard writing about people in bombers/tanks and whatnot.

Okay, good.

Does the father die or not?

I don't know. If you were a reader, what would you prefer?

Ark: It's a bit limited :/ If he's an infantrymen then it's much easier to describe (for me anyway).
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Aletrius on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:38 am

Personally, I wouldn't have the father die.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Trick on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:38 am

Thomas1134 wrote:Personally, I wouldn't have the father die.

So a happy ending where he re-unites with his family?
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Aletrius on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:41 am

Yes, but I would have the story ending with him seeing his parents, and nothing else. No furher than that - he sees them outside the house, or something like that, and it ends.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Trick on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:43 am

It's a bit too 'fast' for an ending :/
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Aletrius on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:45 am

I think it would more effective. If you actually go in depth about the reunion, then I think it would be very difficult to end it convincingly.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by MarkyDMan on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:48 am

Maybe after getting off the train, he can't see through the crows, then the crowd parts and he sees his parents, his mother holding......A BABY! Nice twist, then end it there. No words, just that last image of his parents sighted through the crowd

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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Trick on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:49 am

I might actually do that. But how will it end? Will it be like, 'I then glanced through the bus window, and there lay my parents and sister, waiting outside. The bus stopped, and I rushed out to meet them' Something along those lines?

EDIT: The train idea is also nice. I'll use the train, but I wont use the baby bit. Yep, the finding of the parents in the crowd in the train station will be the end. Cheers Marky!

Anyway, I'm going to write the intro now. A page of A4 should do it, since one A4 page = 275 words.

Cya tommorow, have a good evening and a good morning. I wish you all a good day at work and school/university Wink
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by MarkyDMan on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:51 am

Stepping out of a train would be more realistic. They used trains during WW1 to ferry people around

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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Aletrius on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:52 am

Bye Trick.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Arkanay on Wed Sep 22, 2010 7:02 am

It could end with something like: "After spending years in war, bla bla, meeting men, killing men, blood, mud, death, etc,... I could see my parents through the foggy train window... I was finally home."
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by MarkyDMan on Wed Sep 22, 2010 7:04 am

Ooooo nice one!

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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by bmpalmann on Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:11 am

You could start with him about to go into battle, possibly a famous one where he's likely to die (possibly D-Day). And he's telling his comrades how he got to be there now.

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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Arkanay on Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:13 am

He already chose to go with WW1, bmp, but D-Day cool be an interesting idea.

I would really like to see lot more stories from the other side. Tbh, I'm aaaaaaaaaaalmost a little overfed of hearing ally stories.
I would like to hear something from the germans and soviets more often. How they also missed their families, talked like humans, lol, and wanted to go home.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by bmpalmann on Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:57 am

You could do the famous football match in no-mans land. That would show both sides in a more positive light Smile

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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Trick on Wed Sep 22, 2010 5:31 pm

bmpalmann wrote:You could do the famous football match in no-mans land. That would show both sides in a more positive light Smile

The Christmas football match Razz But in this story I'm not going to show anyone in positive light, because I'm going to describe the sad/grotesque scenes caused by war. My character doesn't find any of the private soldiers evil, as most of them have been forced to fight. He finds the generals on both sides evil, wanting to kill etc.

Anyway, I've finished my short intro. I'll post it up some time.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Aletrius on Thu Sep 23, 2010 2:40 am

Which unfortunately was banned pretty much immediately.

Although I would caution you to keep the focus of 'change' - make sure you continually reference how different things are how things have changed. Otherwise, you may lose marks.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Trick on Thu Sep 23, 2010 2:46 am

Thomas1134 wrote:Which unfortunately was banned pretty much immediately.

Although I would caution you to keep the focus of 'change' - make sure you continually reference how different things are how things have changed. Otherwise, you may lose marks.

Due to getting 'closer' to the enemy, as it were.Oh, and the intro does exactly that Thomas. It's a sudden change, which will haunt Thomas (the character that is) throughout the story. I'll post the intro up in a bit.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Trick on Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:37 am

Here's the intro:

I remember several months ago, it was the end of school, and the first signs of summer blossomed. The sun illuminated the streets from dawn until evening, and clear skies throughout the night revealed a curtain of stars above London. I remember the good times my friends and I shared in the parks and streets, watching little children pretending to be soldiers, who pretended that they were in trenches. I remember those precious moments I had with my family, the dinners my mother cooked, the white fumes which came out of my fathers mouth when he smoked, and the constant pattering of footsteps which came from the feet of my little brother. I have memories of our visits to the countryside, where I chased my brother in the fields, where daisies blossomed. But now the fields I know so well our gone. The daises are gone, as are the lives of thousands of soldiers, whose bodies lie limp on the dull mud of the Somme. I struggle to recall the happy images I saw just few months ago, as they are being rapidly replaced with scenes of grotesque monstrosity. I am at war, and I can only hope my fate lies not with those dead innocents.

Spot the metaphor.

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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Arkanay on Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:21 am

Nice intro. Looking good.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by Trick on Sun Sep 26, 2010 9:15 am

Thanks Smile Did you spot the metaphor.
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by sjhorm on Sun Sep 26, 2010 9:17 am

Trick question?
Is the answer no metaphor at all?
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Re: Just a short 'help' topic

Post by bmpalmann on Sun Sep 26, 2010 9:28 am

What the daisies and the dead?

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